I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
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Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
let’s discuss
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.