Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
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u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Oh my god
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds