Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
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Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.