WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
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I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
#ProTip
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what