I put the h in mysterious.
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School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
sliding into dms like
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Big Sex has us all fooled
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something