Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
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Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
do what now??
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words