There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
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Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Not today
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.