me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
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*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Finally!
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..