flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
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Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Whoa 😂
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
no
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
subtitles are so good nowadays
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”