just left a huge legacy in there
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“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Nice try, poison.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.