No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
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[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
fired
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming