You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
You Might Also Like
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Maths meets science
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry