If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
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Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
the dark web is just a goth google.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Air conditioning – not a fan
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.