Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist: