ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
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somebody come look at this
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”