My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
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“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.