Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
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I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
If you love someone, let them tweet.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.