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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I am all good here, 😂😉
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.