I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
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[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
BETRAYAL
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*