gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
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My warrants are pretty outstanding.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I’m not stressed
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
The Assassin.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.