I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
You Might Also Like
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –