edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
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Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge