Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
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Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter