When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
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Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
If you know, you know
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.