In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
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Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Note to self: always read the final line
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?