Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
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Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I wish this was real life…
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.