Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
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honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.