me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
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wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.