If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what