7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
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Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.