Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
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Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
not for long
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.