How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
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People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.