Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
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My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally