So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
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Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let鈥檚 go through this one more time.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
fed my baby with a knife* today if you鈥檙e wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
hey 馃檪 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
A man of commitment.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
馃幍 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 馃幍
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I鈥檓 on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I鈥檇 be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I鈥橫 SO FUNNY!
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp