[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
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The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
describing stardew valley
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
#FunnyLife Insects
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
eggs benadryl
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit