adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
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It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
The first one, obviously
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.