[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
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Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
That was easy.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Got him!
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?