Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
pls suprot
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.