totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
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Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Oh no
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*