I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
You Might Also Like
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
My love language is deader than Latin
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
@funTweeters
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else