My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.