Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
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[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.