Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
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Trying
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.