Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
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Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
The best plant holders?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Before & after 😅
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience