Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
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Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
God has abandoned us.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face