Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
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Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I have two kinds of followers
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.