Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
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My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I would move hell over six inches for you
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist