[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
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cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal