There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
You Might Also Like
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.