I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
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Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”